Zaraki In Love
by eyeshadowlady
Summary: Zaraki Kenpachi finds love in one of the most unexpected places: a fifteen year old boy. Will this pedophilia lead him to true love or a prison cell? Hilarity ensues. R&R! Ishipachi
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. I don't own Zaraki. I don't own Ishida, or Ichigo. They all belong to Kubo Tite.**

LOL, I just couldn't help it. I had to make this pairing. Zaraki and anybody is hilarious. Ishida and anybody is hilarious. You put the two together; it's like crack. I hope you like the ending.

Lemme know if you want another chapter or not! I could just end it here, but with enough prodding (heh, prodding), I could manage more. Rated M for language and gropage. Please _**Read and Review**_!

Chapter One(?)

Staring at his fragile form, Zaraki could only sense that the boy was weak. The fact that the bastard even dared to challenge him to a duel only outraged him more. How dare such a weakling rank himself as a worthy opponent of Zaraki Kenpachi? Even so, seeing the boy with the little… arrow…thing… pointed at him with a determined look, Zaraki was overcome with an unfamiliar feeling; one that had nothing to do with battle or blood. The boy looked so… adorable! He was just so adorable!

His unshielded eye gave the boy a quick once-over. _He's like a delicate flower. A delicate flower that…fuck it, I'll just kill him!_

Lifting his soul cutter, a large, malevolent grin on his face, Zaraki prepared to slice the boy to shreds. Somehow, though, watching the kid adjust his spectacles and pinprick him with his arrow thingamabobs, his heart melted. Something in him didn't want to kill the boy. _I've never felt this way before, _Zaraki thought, sensing a tear rolling down his cheek. He wiped at it, aggravated. Nope, just blood.

"What's wrong, Kenpachi? I thought you said something about slicing me to pieces," the cocky young brat ridiculed, becoming overconfident.

"Heh. Then I guess I'd better live up to my promise." Once again, Zaraki lifted his blade, eager to strike.

Ishida's cocky smile threw him off. Black strands of hair waved in the wind; he was an image of beauty. Zaraki had never felt so attracted to someone for reasons other than skillful fighting. He'd never really been attracted to anyone, period. So the thought of finding not just another man attractive, but a boy, was simply foreign to him. Even getting a bone for a man made more sense; at least men, real men, were muscular, powerful, and served as entertaining opponents in battle. But a boy? A scrawny, nerdy-looking boy? Zaraki just didn't understand.

"I'll fucking kill you!" he shouted, sprinting forward at full force. Instantly, the Quincy seemed to vanish, then reappear to his side, arrow drawn. Zaraki jumped, then attacked, his zanpakutu screaming all the while.

SLASH!

"Ugh!" The Quincy child groped at his blood-stained chest; the wound was somewhat shallow, but effective. It stung.

The image of the Quincy all bloodied up and in pain, his cape ripped to pieces, made Zaraki's heart melt. Wait, heart? Zaraki didn't even know he had a heart. In fact, he was pretty sure he'd either never had one, or had it ripped out of his chest somewhere along the line without ever noticing its absence.

"Hah! You can't even dent me with your pussy arrow, boy," Zaraki mused, mocking the Quincy's seemingly futile attempts at wounding him.

"You're not the only one holding back," the self-assured boy contended.

"You can't afford to hold back much longer, kid. At this rate, you're," he paused, lifting his sword for the fatal blow, "DONE FOR!"

He brought his sword down, hoping the boy's death might put an end to the rage in his pants. Upon contact, a clash! Metal on metal collided unexpectedly. What the fuck?

As the cloud of dust dispersed, before him stood a clump of bright orange hair, armed with a ridiculously oversized zanpakutu. _Ichigo!_

"Sorry, Kenpachi. I'm afraid I just can't let you kill my friend here. Or, well, perhaps I can't let him kill you," he corrected, smirking arrogantly.

The orange-haired boy turned to the other, frowning a bit upon seeing the battle wounds Kenpachi had left him. "I told you, I don't want you fighting! You just got your powers back again and I don't want you to lose them again!" he lectured, sighing as his hand stroked the other's cheek adoringly.

Most horrifically, as the boy's fingers traced Ishida's soft lips, he began to lean in. Zaraki watched in dismay as Ichigo's tongue intermingled with Ishida's passionately. His hand grasped Ishida's jawbone tenderly as his tongue swirled wildly inside the other boy's mouth, while his other hand traveled to lower regions, groping his comrade's manhood.

Kenpachi gripped his sword's hilt just a little bit tighter. _All the more reason to kill that dandelion!_

Ichigo looked up, startled by Zaraki's sudden climb in reiatsu. He'd even taken off his eye patch! At this rate, with such an overwhelming reiatsu alone, Kenpachi stood a chance of defeating him! Maybe even… _killing_ him!

"Kurosaki, stop!" Zaraki's preparation to attack came to a sudden halt as Ishida now stood in front of the dandelion child, blocking his fight. "This is my battle. Let me fight just this once, _please_. Have a little faith." He blushed a bit, his cheeks becoming tainted with pink. The boy's adorability levels were skyrocketing.

Inching forward, Zaraki couldn't help himself any longer. The boy, not anticipating this approach, guarded himself, prepared to shoot should Zaraki's strange movements prove hazardous. _Just what is he doing?_ thought the black-haired boy.

Now face to face with his rival, Zaraki fumbled with his sword a bit out of nervous habit. After all the battles he'd fought and all the people he'd killed, this was the first time Zaraki Kenpachi struggled to gather all his courage. He looked down, unable to meet the boy's gaze. _Fucking pussy, just do it!_ he scolded himself.

"I think I love you!" he blurted, humbling himself and surrendering to whatever consequences might ensue.

Ishida looked shocked. His face flushed, becoming somehow even paler than usual; his eyes refused to close, unable to look away from the sight of a battle-hungry buffoon confessing his love to a teenage boy he'd just met (and nearly killed). He opened his mouth to reply, finding the words a little hard to place. At last, the Quincy was able to muster the strength to reply to Zaraki's declaration, searching deep within his soul.

"What the fuck, are you queer!? Uhhgh!" retorted the young Quincy; a bit repulsed by the captain's frank confession. "I fucking hate queers!"

Zaraki's head sank in disappointment, his spiky hair beginning to droop like a wilted flower.


	2. Chapter 2: This Burning Sensation

Back by popular demand of a few... chapter 2! and final chapter!

Chapter 2 – This Burning Sensation

After his humiliating rejection, Kenpachi lost the will to fight his delicate flower. Somehow, though, his feelings for the boy had not dissipated yet—and he'd killed at least five people since then! Perhaps only love could replace love after all, he thought, sighing in exasperation.

Realizing he was gay as a sailor, Kenpachi ventured out in the human world in search of a new love, a replacement for the burning flame inside his flaming heart. _Let's face it, _he thought, _Ishida is not gay nor will he ever be gay. I just have to face the fact that this love of mine is hopeless._

Karakura Town may not be full of obvious flaming homosexuals such as himself, but it was the only area he was familiar with in the human world, and the Soul Society gay scene was NOT happening. He shook his head, trying to get the image of Captain Yamamoto straddling his member as his long white beard tickled Zaraki's chest out of his head. _No! I won't go there! I won't be that desperate! Not again!_

Strolling through the center of the city, Kenpachi spotted a bright neon sign which read "Big Throbbing Homo Cocks" and underneath in smaller font: "(a gay bar, where men meet other men and occasionally have sex with them)". Kenpachi was curious as to the nature of the bar, as the sign was pretty vague about the whole thing, but he had an inkling other men like himself might be found inside, so he took a chance and entered the building cautiously. As soon as he took his first step into the bar, it seemed as though the music stopped and every spare glance was aimed in his direction. All movement seemed to cease. Shrugging off the odd behavior, Zaraki casually waltzed up to the leather-chapped bartender.

"Excuse me, sir, but I'm not from the area. Is this a place where I might meet another man who I might battle and potentially have sex if I do not kill him first?" he questioned innocently.

The bartender, a bit terrified by the strange appearance of a large bear-type, sword-carrying demonic man, responded carefully. "Uhhhmmm, you'd not be mistaken in that this is a place for men to meet other men, and you may expect some who will enjoy role-play... however, please refrain from using your weapon or battling anyone in this bar," he cautioned.

Kenpachi looked down at his zanpakuto, not considering that his appearance might be found intimidating to others. Ooooohhhhh! The human world is so funny sometimes.

Gradually, the noise and motion of the bar seemed to pick up a bit, and life inside resumed its usual course. Looking around, Kenpachi could see many types of gay men: big burly types, athletic types, average salary-man types, and even some delicate-flower types like his own precious flower. But none stirred his nether regions the way that boy had done. What factor was missing? Oh yes!

Approaching one of the smaller, frail-looking boys, Kenpachi introduced himself. "I demand to make battle with you! We may go outside, if you wish to avoid accidentally hurting others."

The boy's eyes widened in shock and fright, and tears welled up as he ran away screaming. _That's funny_, Kenpachi thought, _Ishida would have challenged me with no hesitation, and with that misplaced cocky attitude, no less!_

These boys just were not his delicate flower. Love may not be so easily replaced, after all...

Suddenly, two recognizable figures entered the bar. One was rather athletic-looking with spikey orange hair, and the other...straight black hair, thin frame, glasses and a sewing tote slung on one arm—his flower! The two boys walked into the room like they owned the place to the shouts of "hey! You're not old enough to be here!" The spikey-haired boy aggressively grabbed Ishida and passionately introduced his tongue to his partner's. Dandelion! The pair then angrily approached the crowd.

"You homos make me sick! You should all be ashamed of yourselves! Your behavior is disgusting and unnatural. Just be normal like the rest of society! Ugh!" the orange-haired boy lectured.

The crowd grew agitated and confused by the boy's speech, drawing in closer in order to beat some sense back into him. "Um...Kurosaki-san... I think...think we should go now...these freaks are beyond our saving..." whispered the fearful Ishida.

Kenpachi was frozen with mixed fear and delight at seeing his love who had rejected him so coldly. Before the angry mob could get to him, though, he had to save his flower! And destroy the dandelion!

"STOP! DON'T LAY A FINGER ON THE WEAK-LOOKING ONE!" Kenpachi shouted to the crowd, throwing himself in front of the pair. Rethinking his protective position, he grabbed an orange clump of hair from behind him and tossed the other boy to the crowd. "Have this one!" And with that, the mob proceeded to beat Ichigo, or do something else explicit to him.

Ishida was blushing and looking relieved as Kenpachi wrapped one arm around his shoulders and guided him safely out of the building. He stopped a few steps outside of the bar and turned to face the boy, timidly keeping his face down and occasionally glancing up to meet the eyes of his flower with a blush. "You wanna... go to a dark alley and battle?"

Ishida looked to the side, his face beat red and without the nerve to meet the gaze of the large man before him. "Yeahhhh."

THE NEXT DAY...

Kenpachi grabbed his throbbing member, recalling the previous night with his flower.

"WHY DOES IT BURN WHEN I PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!?!"

**The End!**

Btw I originally wrote this before I'd ever read a yaoi or shounen-ai. Lol. I realize now how well it actually played into the stereotypical themes. I still prefer shoujo-ai thoooough. Hope you likey!


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